Sliceofmymind.com (SOMM) - The Opinion Habitat -Small town Bulletin board....It's like Craigslist

Frontpage

Opinions

SOMM Blogs

Parodies

Small town Bulletin board....It's like Craigslist

(0 votes, average: 0 out of 5)

Written by Dan Mckeown | 16 April 2009
Posted in SOMM Blogs - Parodies

I live in a small town called Dewey. It's everything you can expect to get out of a town called Dewey. It's a luxurious 23 square miles of people fitting the outer space/country western type of persona. The people... well to best describe the people here they are simply hybrids. Ya, basically they're a mix of a cowboy, a hillbilly, a confederate, and they seem to have a touch of Mormon in them too. Welcome to Dewey, Arizona.

Dewey is a place where any given day you will see a citizen wearing a faded Bugle Boy t-shirt tucked into a pair of old torn up Rustler jeans. Most also have an overgrown mustache that looks like they shaved Pierce Brosnan's chest hair and put in under their nose (this goes for both men and women in the town). BUT! They rock their outfit with a pair of all white snake skin cowboy boots with spurs that could cut through pineapples. The Black market cost for boots like that is $300-$650! On the cranium they have all leather buffalo skin cowboy hats with a bald eagle feather hanging off of a gold nugget in the front! They have priorities. Head and feet suckaaas!

I personally find myself hanging out at the gas station in town. You know the type of gas station that still sells pop in the can. I can't tell you how many times on a Friday night I've seen families pull up to this gas station to gas up for a night out in the town. The couples usually stroll up in what seems to be the town favorite vehicle, a '94 Chevy C2500 truck with jacked up tires. Their kids have the luxury either sitting in a couch or on a mattress in the truck bed. They even have their baby seats back there too. No, of course they use safety...... with bungee cords or rope to hold down the baby seat. This is the west! Their knot tying skills are like that of an Indian boy scout. That baby is going nowhere!

There is also a small movie rental place next store to the gas station that I forgot to mention. It sucks though because I don't have a VHS player and all they rent out is Tapes. All I have is a stupid DVD player. The real reason why I tend to spend my weekend nights lounging around at the gas station is because of the community bulletin board that is hanging on the side of the gas station. It's updated every weekend. So just in case I do break down and want to buy a goat I'll know who to call.

The bulletin board is awesome! It's an old school cork board that thumb tacks are used to hang all the postings. I noticed that there are return address on some of the thumb tacks along with "Property of ___" written on some of the others. People do get possessive of their thumb tacks around here. So on to what this board is all about.

I not sure if the internet circulated around the town of Dewey yet. So this bulletin board acts as the towns Craigslist or Ebay. Items that one might see for sale are horses, truck tires, used cowboy boots, "Like new" sofa set from 1987, etc. I notice that people make their own business cards. One guy offered his work services on his cards. It said he can do anything so call him. His cards were cut out of computer paper, so none of the business cards were the same size. I liked his idea of being personal with his home crafted business cards. He filled out all of his cards using a green pen and on his cards he put his first name, a brief description saying he can do anything, and his phone number. I know, crazy right? You're thinking where did this guy get computer paper from!?

I like to check out the pet section of the board. They have postings for puppies that read something like this " 5 Laboytes puppies left! Mother is a lab mix and the father is what we think might be a Coyote. We're asking $800 for this rare bread... OBO." Now I think to myself that's a little pricey for a "rare" breed. I mean your dog got knocked up by a wild Coyote! How’s $100 and I'll throw in an American flag bandanna? That's how I make deals out here.

I noticed there is a little trash talking forum on the bottom left corner of the board. I wish I could right click and save this section but the bulletin board does not provide that option to me. One Deweyian wrote a complaint about somebody burning logs and the smoke from the fire was bothering them. That stirred up some commotion in Dewey.

When I pulled up to the gas station that Friday I noticed an unusual large crowd around the bulletin board. I jumped out of the car in excitement not realizing I left the car door open. I got up there and one of the men with the javelina skin cowboy hat said somebody wrote back in retaliation regarding the whole complaint about the log burning post. There had to have been 7 people up there reading this. The retaliation letter basically went like this: "We don't want your type here in our town complaining about burning logs. We're country folks! Go back to the city and don't contaminate our town with your ignorance. There is a reason we call you..... CITIOTS!"

When that was read out loud all of the town people there were high fivin each other yelling that "log burner complainer got buuurned!" I was behind them covering my mouth with one hand yelling "oooooooohhhh!" Then I started raising the roof. This was the town of Dewey's version of "You Got Served" and "Yo Momma" all in one! I stood back there and folded my arms, b-boy style, looking like Wiimer Valderrama. I was just enjoying another exciting night under the Dewey stars.